Being Caught Between Two Worlds
Set your timer for three minutes…
Three minutes. I set my timer for three minutes because a friend told me that's how long it takes to process an emotion. So instead of dissociating AGAIN, I set my timer and I put my phone down and I scream into my pillow. Why do I feel like I’m caught between two worlds?!?!
I asked God “Why?” and I asked myself “Why are you feeling so angry and sad?” and that’s when it hit me…
Everything I fell in love with wasn’t attached to him. Sure I mean most of it had memories that he was there for, but really what I fell for was that feeling of driving too fast down a dirt road at sunset. The visceral jolt of my gut when the truck accelerated and the wind swept through the window. The smell of manure that lingered everywhere because the farmers just sprayed the fields. The cows. So many beautiful cows. And waking up to horses grazing one field over.
The reality of living in Santa Barbara is that I don’t have those experiences (or that person) that I fell in love with. I know that the grass is always greener on the other side, but y’all didn’t see just HOW green that grass is in Virginia.
I guess now I’m just wondering if I'm an imposter. Was he the only thing tying me to that life? I think he woke up a part of me that was dormant for fear of being judged by the city. Now that he’s not around I have to decide if I want to keep it awake and say “fuck it, I don’t care what people think” or let it die for good.
I really do love Santa Barbara, the purple mountains at sunset and the way they all lead water to the ocean. I love the ocean. I've always felt more alive swimming in the water than walking on land, but I’m also one of those people who could lay in the grass and watch the trees move and the birds sing all day. I didn’t grow up on a farm, I don't know anything about gardens except that you water them and if you plant snap peas they take over your entire 7th grade garden box. But maybe this yearning to own animals, grow food, get dirty, drive fast, and fall in love on a mountain road isn’t just who I am with him, maybe it’s just who I am, period.
Is being caught between two worlds a bad thing? I scream into my pillow again and my timer goes off.
A challenge to my reader:
Next time you feel overwhelmed set a three minute timer to process. Just see what happens.